Diagnosed Depressed

I've been trying to write a post for a while now, 3 months in fact but I hadn't made it a commitment until about 2 weeks ago to write one. A fortnight ago it had occurred to me that I was much more motivated as well as happy when I was finding the time to blog, making the time for it rather than saying I didn't have time. I was making the time as if it was essential back then. My blog was new and I was ambitious about its role to play in my health journey.  So in the last few weeks I've made the time to sit down and start to write blog posts again. The problem is they have all been deleted..... over and over again. Every time I've started they have all followed a pattern where negatively has crept into the post so I'd begin again. I'm always frank in my posts but I never wish to be draining, so self hating posts is something that simply doesn't fit the bill. As an instructor my desire is always to motivate so not being able to post anything positive has left me feeling frustrated. 

This morning I had an appointment at the doctors to discuss why my periods have stopped, it's been 7 months now. Now it's probably nothing to worry about I came off the pill and then they stopped which happens to many women, but as it's now over 6 months they have to be sure it's nothing to cause concern. I've now had blood tests (all fine, yay!) and will soon be having a scan to be certain everything is just taking it's time to return to normal and no underlying health issues. Anyway the shock came because I went to discuss this and I ended up coming out having being diagnosed with depression. I knew I'd been feeling low, I knew my mood was up and down and my eating habits had been shameful, but until this point I was in denial telling myself it was all hormonal imbalances from coming off the pill. Even when the doctor was asking questions I knew what she was getting at and I just wanted her to stop discussing my mood and get to the bottom of why I wasn't regular anymore. I didn't want her to dismiss this so I kept trying to push for her to look more into this and tried to play down how my mood had been. The painful truth is I wanted something to blame for my absent periods and I didn't want it to be a mental health issue. The doctor however knew and had my best interests, because as I well know stress and depression followed by bad nutrition which starts from these issues can play havoc with you. It can also affect menstruating. It's a stupid situation to get yourself in because stressing about your lack of cycle when your trying to conceive makes it less likely for them to return therefore less likely to conceive. Depression has caused me to binge on junk and junk food can affect your mood and stress cycles. 

I've suffered with depression before so I was very much like 'I'm fine' (which I am), but only when she asked me to complete the depression assessment and there it was in front of me in black and white I knew I was in fact depressed. I felt myself feeling a little teary reading the questions and thinking yes, yes, yes to nearly all of them and realising that not only am I saying yes to just about everything, but I'm also feeling this way nearly every day.  Having good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks but on the whole feeling sad most of the time. I've been feeling this way for quite some time now, but I was determined not to label myself as 'depressed' and shrugging it off not wanting to mock people who are going through much more severe issues than me. I really convinced myself I wasn't depressed purely because I don't feel down everyday and because I can say confidently I ain't about to pop a load of pills, I've been there too but that was a long time ago.  I know people going through much worse and I've also felt much worse in the past.  The true is I'm just on a rocky road and I can either accept it and be brave and say yes I'm a depressed or bury my head in the sand, let it get worse until I can no longer cope with in on my own. I've been there, got the T.Shirt and don't ever wanna go back. 

As I've had it on a extreme level in the pass when others aren't on that wave length I've  ashamed to say I've probably dismissed their feelings too quickly. Until today I always felt that people throw around the fact they are depressed so loosely, either using it as an excuse not to work or saying they are depressed when in fact they are just a little down. I felt to say you were depressed was  almost poking fun of of those who are really suffering. I was naive in my thoughts on this. The fact of the matter is unless you've experienced a real traumatic incident that suddenly happen to cause your depression it's probably built up very slowly from feeling a little blue to full on severe I need some help depression. 

On the scale I'm number 17 which is classed as moderately severe depression. I'm lucky it's not severe but I'm also aware I felt low 6 months ago and I now feel much worse so I'm ready to accept that I'm depressed. I'm also sick of feeling this way. It's a burden, it's tiring and it masks all the good in your life.It's selfish, it doesn't really give a dam that it impacts on your family and friends too and not just you.  It allows you to feel you've failed and that your ugly, useless and pointless.  Trivial and pathetic things have lend me to be here. My life is pretty good. I have a loving husband, friends, family and most importantly in my life a wonderful daughter. I feel annoyed with myself for not appreciating all the things I do have. I feel like I do appreciate these things, but then I think clearly I don't or why would I feel the way I do most days. Then the guilt sets in. The truth is I know why I feel the way I do, it's not the time to discuss it yet but it's something outside my control and something considering all the wonderful people I have in my life that shouldn't matter but to me it does. It matters a lot and inside it's eating away at me. 

I don't need or want empathy. I don't feel I'm the minority. I actually feel like I'm one of many just going through an imperfect time that has gone on and gone and it's time to say goodbye to those feelings, hopefully sometime soon. I said in the beginning of this post two things. Firstly I wanted all my posts to be positive and secondly I'm been struggling to write positive posts hence why posts have been not existent. Then I decided this post could be positive and also be a published , because it's honest. Sure it's perhaps negative but with a positive intention (still counts, surely?) . This post is to mark the start of me facing the problem, sharing it and not allowing it to take over anymore. Depression will always be taboo if people avoid talking about. I won't be the one to hide it but to fight it.