Sunday 30 December 2012

The Secret I've Told Everyone!

If you read my blogs you'll know that 2012 wasn't a great year for us and that only gives you an insight on what I feel comfortable to share, but what 2012 has taught me is life is too short. Whilst this has been a tough year for us we've faced absolutely nothing compared to what some friends and their loved ones are having to cope with. It's these times you have to put things into perspective and take a minute to realise how lucky you are. I'm truly blessed to have my daughter, hubby, family and friends around me, but I'm also guilty of forgetting this and not picking myself up. 


I'm impatient and like to plan everything. So when things happen outside my control I struggle. In 2012 one thing after another happened outside my control and I had a mini melt down shall we say.

Anyway one thing I learnt from this is I can't plan everything! The timing will never be perfect. Life isn't without it's ups and downs and nothing goes without it's hiccups.  You have to find a way through it and sometimes you can search and search and there just aren't any answers.

I've always said I'll like to plan two children and I also said I'd like a 3-5 year age gap, but seeing as my daughter is 5 years in June this isn't going to happen. We hadn't started trying sooner because I wanted to have my business more established before trying for baby number 2. I wanted everything in place so that when I needed to take a little time out on maternity my business would still be there when I returned. 

I know I say it repeatedly but I love what I do, but lately I've started to love it a little less all the time and the reason for that is I've put my hold life on hold for the business. I stopped socialising as much, thinking I needed to be working on the business more and feeling guilty if I wasn't working 24/7 on it. More importantly I put my dream of having this perfect age gap on hold for it. Then when my our personal circumstances meant the business had to take a back seat it left me feeling angry that my business is still not established and it hasn't been because I've had another child. It's been because of things outside my control.

So as you've probably of guessed already our secret is that we are trying for baby number 2. I came of the pill in August and I planned to tell no-one as I'd like for it to be a secret till I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and for Pie to be the 1st one we tell when we know everything is OK. So far though I've got so excited about the thought of extending our family I think I've just about told everyone I know and so I thought I might as well put into out there now, hence the blog post. I should be keeping it quiet as once people know your trying they are naturally going to ask 'are you pregnant yet,' since I can't lie for toffee this will be a problem since I don't wish to announce it till I'm 12 weeks pregnant. However I need to talk about it, it's eating me up. The world of trying for a baby is a lonely place and I feel like I need to just rant about how I'm feeling in the hope I feel better to be frank. 

I've always been on the pill, well since I was 14 years with the exception of coming off to try for my daughter and then then going straight back on it. So I've been on the pill roughly 12 years with a 11 month gap when I we had my daughter. When we tried the 1st time round it happened no joke 1st time to my husbands disappointment who wanted to practise some more ;). So whilst I kept saying next time it could take ages as I've seen the struggles some of my friends have faced trying to conceive, I  in all honestly deep down believed as I'm fitter than I was when I had Pie that in would just happen straight away again. 

However it's now been 4 months and don't think for one minute I'm trying to be disrespectful as I know people try for 10 years plus without anything happening, but I'm struggling that nothing is happening. I don't just mean I'm not falling pregnant I mean I've been feeling crap since coming of the pill and that doesn't show any signs of improving. I'm up and down everyday and it's not settling down. One day I feel fine and the next day I'm in tears over nothing, irritable and hating the world. I've had no period since August and I'm all over the place. I feel exhausted all the time and even lightheaded sometimes - it's like a pregnancy with no baby. I start to get excited that I'm pregnant only to be disappointed that I'm not. I know that I'm unbelievably lucky to already be a mum and I don't take that for granted, but when your broody and believe your pregnant and feel pregnant only to find out your not it can pull on the heart strings and make you emotional. I been to the doctors and basically just been told that my hormones are likely to be all over the place since coming of the pill and there really isn't nothing they can do. I've been told to go back in March if my periods haven't returned and they'll do some tests then just to check everything is normal. 

So it's just a waiting game now for everything to return to normal. It can't come quick enough, I just want to feel myself again. I haven't been helping matters though, as you may of noticed I haven't been doing blog posts on here recently and the reason is I'm so shattered that I'm just not motivated and since I can't seem to motivate myself it's hard to write a post that will help and inspire others to be healthy. The lack of motivation means I haven't been eating a healthy palette and quite the opposite in fact. I feel annoyed with myself as I truly believe that the better you eat the better you feel.  I know this is the case as one of the things the nutritionist discussed with us as part of the Weight Management Programme is changes to your nutrition can help with hormones levels and so I implemented her advice, I soon felt a great deal better. I really had no idea how a few changes could help with PMT, depression and so fourth ,but then more bad news came and Christmas and I found temporary comfort in junk food.




So how am I feeling after a 2 week binge?! More low, tired, bloated, heavier and annoyed with myself. I feel sickened with myself when I think about what I've been putting into my body recently. So what am I going to do? Sort it out! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and take better care of myself. This week I'm going to start exercising again and eating better. I'm going to start posting again and will keep you updated with my progress. I'm not going to get my motivation back overnight, but I'm at least going to try and get it back. Wish me luck.






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